"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art - write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself." - Neil Gaiman
Well, Neil, I plan on surprising myself all over the place this year. And I'm hoping the madness will all be good.
It's been hard for me to get back into blogging. I've been considering it for a while, but couldn't come up with a story or "script" to get the ball rolling again. I haven't been doing much of the things that I would normally blog about (cooking, crafting, art making) for various reasons, and my self-imposed exile from all things social that began last spring/summer has been difficult to break. I only recently re-activated my facebook profile, and even that was a big step.
But New Years Day seems to bring a good excuse to do some public reflection, and I think I'm up for it...
So, what's changed in the last year?
I'm no longer vegan. I'm still largely vegan, but choose to eat some dairy. It started out as a way to get some extra protein and calcium after learning I shouldn't be eating soy, and it turns out I kinda like it. I still prefer my pizza & nachos cheeseless, and don't like lattes made with dairy, but I do eat organic yoghurt pretty much every day and don't always ask for "no cheese" while eating out. I even had ice cream cake at Kirk's last birthday. Honestly, I was afraid to say this online, as I know some people read this blog because it's a vegan blog, but I'm not ashamed of doing what I think is right for myself and hope that most won't judge too harshly. I'm still a committed vegetarian and have been for 2/3 of my life.
I found out, after four surgical procedures and a lot of tears, that I can in fact get pregnant. And then I miscarried, twice. This whole roller coaster fertility journey has taught me a lot, about myself and about life in general. I learned that I can be very fragile yet very strong all at the same time. I learned all too well that, as we've always heard, life is not fair. I learned who I can count on when the shit really hits the fan. I learned that people with good intentions sometimes say the wrong thing, and you can't hold a grudge. I learned that life is short and tenuous and we should never, ever forget that.
I am not the kind of person who believes that everything happens for a reason. I believe that it's a good idea to search for a positive outcome, no matter how tiny, when things are bleak, but I also believe that we're mostly out here flailing about on our own with no "plan" from some god or universal force. That's not a negative to me, but a very strong argument for keeping ourselves grounded, making the best choices we can, and not beating ourselves up for things that are out of our control. I do believe, however, that everything that has led me to this point in my life has helped prepare me for what lies ahead. More specifically, the ups and downs of trying to become a mother have helped prepare me, in whatever small way, for the joys and heartbreaks that come with motherhood.
I am currently 25 weeks pregnant with a little boy. I believe he is the one we will finally meet and share a life with. Kirk and I are both joyous and terrified to meet our son, and after everything that's happened it still seems very surreal.
My only New Years resolution this year is a vague one:
I plan on keeping my head up and facing whatever life throws at me with strength and dignity. 2012, I'm ready for you.
from my brother and sister-in-law for Christmas, and I already have 
