24 April 2011

2011 so far can suck it.

Yes, I've been away from the computer for a few months. I deleted my facebook and twitter accounts and ignored my blog. I'm slowly making my way back into it, so bear with me.

Here's what's been going on. It's a real bummer, so don't say I didn't warn you.

Kirk and I tried to conceive for two years. Over the past year and a bit I've had surgeries for endometriosis and blocked fallopian tubes (twice - the first was unsuccessful). We did two rounds of Clomid with no luck, and decided to take a break from trying. We were both emotionally exhausted from the whole process, and I wanted to give my body and our marriage a break. Then we found out I was pregnant on January 10th, and we were so happy! No drugs or peeing on sticks involved! It was meant to be - a Christmas miracle! We told our families right away.

I had an ultrasound at six weeks to to rule out ectopic pregnancy, as the surgeries increase the risk quite a bit. We were both so nervous! But everything was perfect - the baby was in the right place, there was only one, and it had a strong heartbeat. Seeing that little fluttering heartbeat on the screen felt like such a relief! I finally let myself get really excited about this little life inside of me, and we told a couple of close friends about it. I'll never forget that image of our first baby's heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor.

At eight weeks we went for a check up with our fertility specialist, and she did another ultrasound. She told us that the baby had stopped growing pretty much immediately after the previous ultrasound and that there was no heartbeat. I was (and still am) devastated. We wanted this so badly, and I couldn't stop crying.

Because I've already had so much medical intervention our doctor suggested that I wait for a couple of weeks to miscarry naturally. If nothing happened by then, we'd try a drug to induce miscarriage. A D&C is a last resort for me, since I really didn't want any more surgeries on my uterus. Three in six months is more than enough.

I ended up choosing to take the medication to induce miscarriage on February 11th. Carrying a baby that was no longer alive felt horrible to me. It was too hard and stressful to wait any longer, and I just want to move on. The first dose didn't work and I felt SO frustrated! My uterus can't get anything right! But the second did, and the worst was over with in a few painful (in more ways than one) days.

February 2011 was definitely the most terrible month of mine and Kirk's life together, but as we discussed, if we can get through that we can get through anything. The most joyous day of my life so far, and the most devastating, were weeks apart. That's a lot to take.

I am still trying to accept that this baby would never have been healthy and it's for the best. I spent so much time dreaming about being pregnant, giving birth in September, what the baby would be like, and how our lives would change. That's really hard to let go of, even now. I feel like I should be 19 weeks pregnant now and I'm not. That really really sucks.

It also sucks that nobody ever talks about this stuff. If you're someone who knows me and/or Kirk personally, you probably feel a little uncomfortable right now. Sorry about that. I felt pretty alone during this whole thing. Yes, I had Kirk and my mother who are amazing, and a few friends reached out (I didn't always answer, but I appreciated the gestures just the same), but I don't feel like anyone really understands.

Things are getting better every day, but it's a long road, and I will never, ever be the same again.


  1. I love and respect you for sharing such a personal story. It made my day seeing your faces on my facebook page today. When we have life changing moment in our lives we are certainly never the same.

    Liesa B

  2. Wow. I was just thinking the other day that you hadn't blogged for a while. I'm so, so sorry to hear what has happened. I have no first hand experience but one of my friends is going through the endo surgery right now and then hoping to try IVF and my sister had many years of trying - she has had twins through IVF at the age of 39 which is something that we never thought would happen. I know she found support through online forums rather than friends and she also went to a local support group which I think helped. Will be thinking of you and hoping that things get a little easier with time x

  3. Thanks ladies. I did try an online support forum when we first found out, and I got a few helpful messages, but I also got a lot of "Why don't you just get a D&C?" and "You can always try again" and "Try IVF" (note: We do not have $10,000 for IVF). Not exactly helpful or supportive. I gave up on that pretty quickly.

  4. I am sorry to hear about your struggles this year. I am sure your story will help others who are giong through the same thing to realize they are not alone. It takes alot of courage to share such a personnal story.

  5. All I can say honey is that I love you both and I am ALWAYS here to talk, or just be a shoulder to lean on. xoxoxo Steph

  6. I am so sorry for your loss, but I can totally relate. I had a blighted ovum diagnosed at 13 weeks (no development past 7.5 weeks and even then just a sac) It was the most awful day of my life and the 3 months since then have been just as difficult. I am now in a place of peace but its has taken a lot of strength to get here. Thank you for sharing, as this is something that should not be TABOO or off limits as a topic. It should be out there, as pregnancy loss is more common that anyone thinks.